Dog Head

When I woke up this morning I had the head of a Shi-Tzu. My fur was all in a ratty halo from sleeping on it, and also because I was no kind of self-groomer. I presumed this when I looked in the mirror. My face was all smushed in, and after a second it looked more so because I was surprised, then annoyed. I wasn't alarmed at all. I was annoyed to think that someone had unwittingly (it had to be unwitting, because I could think of no earthly reason why someone would purposely do this) switched my head for a Shi-Tzu's, and now I'd have to spend my day looking for my own head. I pictured a little off-white dog with four legs and a tail and my head, which hadn't even had it's teeth brushed yet.

No one was up yet, so I called Tech Support. After the wait and the button-pushing a pleasant voice came on the line.

"Thank you for calling the System System's Technical Support." I had pushed in the numbers of my account while waiting for help, so she had the information in front of her. "May I please just have your street address and postal code for verification purposes now?" Her accent was barely noticeable- it sounded as if she'd gone to Cambridge after secondary school- but her syntax was off. I gave her the information. "I see from a screen here that you have the Head of a Dog."

"Excuse me?" I said. I pictured myself saying "excuse me" with the mouth of a Shi-Tzu- I'd spent most of the wait for Tech Support speaking in front of the mirror, the phone laying on the table in the dining room, sucking the battery like a fruit bat sucking an overripe tangerine. My jaw moved up and down, and I could smile like a dog, but words came out in a strange rubbery way, the canine mouth being no substitute for human lips.

"I am seeing that you've received the Head of a Dog as of Tuesday. How are you enjoying this?" Tech Support was smooth- it sounded as if she'd asked concerned System Systems's customers how they were enjoying using the Head of a Dog rather than their customary human heads for months.

"Well I'm not. I'm surprised- I'm alarmed, now. I'm really alarmed and that's why I called and waited for fifteen minutes to talk to a real person. Tell your manager to have the computer guys change that" I bark-said.

"I understand without doubt. Most of our customers that receive their Heads of a Dog believe them to be quite majestic."

"Hold on" I said. I trotted to the mirror in the bathroom again and relaxed my jowls, hopeful that a relaxed Shi-Tzu face was more commanding. It was not. "There is nothing majestic about this Head. It is smushed and my nose is sensitive but not sensitive enough. I can smell the individual items in the kitchen garbage can, but I can't smell the items in the dumpster which is just outside and one floor down. You would think..." I stopped to let her finish the thought on her own. I didn't want to offend Tech Support's sense of heightened intellect- a Cambridge education came with its' own sensitivities, I'd found.

"Yes, I understand that you would prefer some super-canine olfactory power. However, System Systems discontinued the Cartoon Dog Head offer because of its' difficulty with erasers and hard surfaces."

"Hard surfaces?"

"Indeed sir. When one's Cartoon Dog Head bumped or jarred with a hard surface- a kitchen counter or a door- as in any household accident, the external lines-"

"The outline" I said. I made a rolling forward motion with my hands as if that might speed the conversation along.

"Yes, thank you, the outline. The outline would disform- it would be rendered imperfect, perhaps many times, and this was difficult to our customers. We are finding that a real Dog's Head is suiting people better. Have you found it easy to drink or eat food?" She was past the script now and her voice deepened to the concerned inflection of the medical professional.

I looked at the almost empty cup of coffee that I'd literally lapped up, despite it being overly bitter. "Yes. It wasn't easy, though. This face is so smushed that I had to practically put my face in the cup to get anything."

There was some quiet from Tech Support. Then: "I have been looking into your account information. You have said that your face is 'smushed' twice, and I'm not aware of this word-"

"It's sort of pushed in, like a Cartoon Dog Head might look after it collided head-on with a wall. I'd imagine that's what it would look like, anyway." I was warming to Tech Support. She was clearly trying to help me with her details and definitions.

"Oh- I see. Yes, I'm writing this in your account now- it's s-m-u-s-h-e-d, correct?" I said yes, it was. "On a rare occasion a customer is given the inappropriate Dog Head. I believe that you were accidentally served with the head of a Shi-Tzu. Do you think that it accurate?"

"Exactly! You have it exactly. But how did you guess that? There are so many Dog Heads that have those sort of faces. I could have a Pug or English Bulldog or certain Terrier-"

Tech Support gently cut me off. "We have only a few Dog Heads to offer- they are considered the most superior Heads on the market today. There is Husky, Great Dane, Beagle, Corgie, Australian Wolf Hound, and Shi-Tzu. My colleague has knowledge of the faces, and he is saying that your Dog Head is certainly Shi-Tzu." She sounded pleased with her work, and I beamed into the phone, hopeful that she could hear it happening. "Would a different Head be more convenient for you?"

"I would love an Australian Wolf Hound Head, if there are any available."

"Of course. A System Systems's Head Installation Specialist will be able to switch your Head within seven to ten business days. I can waive our customary service fee, since you are dissatisfied with your initial Dog Head."

"Thank you!"

"The monthly one hundred and twenty-nine ninety-nine Promotional Dog Head fee will also not be charged for two months. Now, is there a certain time of day that would be more acceptable to you?"

"Well, I think mid-morning might be the best time. I think if it were earlier or later there might be neighbor dogs who are out for walks, and that might create a real ruckus!" I said.

"Of course" answered Tech Support. I realized that she probably didnt' know what a "ruckus" was, but I didn't offer the meaning- she was back to business, at this point. "I have put in the order right now, and you will be receiving the Australian Wolf Hound Head between nine and eleven AM within the next seven to ten business days."

"Excellent," I said.

"Sir, I would tell you that we at System Systems are very busy with customer's Dog Heads at the moment, and so I would be expecting that you will receive your Head at the later point of those seven to ten days" she offered.

"That's kind of you to tell me."

"Not at all. Is there anything else that System Systems's Technical Support can do for you at this time?"

"Well, you can stop calling me 'sir.' I'm actually a bitch. Woman, I mean." I couldn't help myself from chiming in with this. I was trying to extend our time together- she was so nurturing and thoughtful.

"I'm so sorry, ma'am. I did see that your have a female name, but your voice is very distinct. I apologize."

"It's the Shi-Tzu Head. It makes me sound like a teenage boy."

"This will be remedied when your new Dog Head arrives. Is there anything else?" Tech Support was distant now. She must be swamped with calls from the wrong-Headed, I thought.

"No. I appreciate your help. Tell your supervisor that you have a happy customer."
"Thank you, sir."

"It's Ma'am, remember?"

"Ok, goodbye." Tech Support hung up, which seemed against protocol- normally the callers hung up first, in my experience- but I didn't begrudge her this. She had really made what could have been a truly awful day into a merely terrible one, and for this I was grateful.