They happen

A Not-Doing-Anything-Right Day:

I was sleeping a little bit when you said that. No, honestly- you know how I just go to sleep a little sometimes, while I'm standing there and you're talking about something really important? So, yeah, you should cut me a little slack because I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy.

While I was taking my rest there on my feet in the kitchen, I had a dream of some sort. I really, really did. You should trust me more, I have no reason whatsoever to be a shithead and make up physical ailments. Yeah, I had a dream. In this dream I was saying things that were witty and profound and I had an audience of unicorns. This is how I know I was sleeping when you were talking to me: the unicorns, honey. They all were wearing tweed jackets with suade elbow patches, and it really wasn't a good look for them. I could see a cuddly sweater on a unicorn, but a jacket is just too formal. They didn't fit well, either- they collectively needed a better tailor.

As you know, it's not what you look like but what's going on inside your head that's important, right? I assume we're agreed on that. The dream had me saying good stuff, perhaps golden stuff, bon mots and axioms for the 21st century; the unicorns were a tough crowd. They were  probably uncomfortable, because tweed is itchy if it touches the skin and our magical horse friends have really incredibly soft and sensitive skin. I said this to them, I basically told them that they might be experiencing a tweed reaction and that if they had the time I would be happy to knit them all big, unicorn-specific cuddly sweaters.

Yes, that is why I announced I was going to learn how to knit just when you were getting to the meat of the important thing you were saying. I was dreaming, but I woke up just for a second to say that! There was crossover, and stop looking at me and insinuating with your silence that I'm a liar. You know how I am: crossover is to be expected. I'm surprised you don't really understand that, after all this time. Plus, my eyes were closed except for the knitting statement. Clearly you don't remember when the doctors told us about my episodes of somnambulence- they're to be expected. They are to be planned for, is what I got out of that appointment that you don't seem to recall.

I dropped back into my nap almost immediately after you looked at me with your patented stunned expression. The unicorns had moved away from my podium, which hurt my feelings a little so I hung back and watched them. "Tchk- you all think you're so pretty and whatnot, but you all don't know how to dress yourselves" was what I was thinking as I watched them herd to a storefront. But it's really hard to stay mad at a group of mythical beasts who truly are quite beautiful in a light, sun-dappled way. I wonder if they could teach me the method of looking sun-dappled everywhere you go. Anyhoo, it turned out that the store they went in was not a store but a tailor's shop! The tailor was a gigantic frog. I shit you not.

You keep acting like you don't believe I was dreaming. You think I can control this? You're the one who's dreaming, then. You are. If you think I can control it then you are dreaming, my friend.

I'm just about to finish, thank you very much. There I was, in this frog-owned tailor's shop, and I was about to offer my apprentice services as a general gopher and aspiring knitter when I woke up. Yes! We were in the produce section, and you had told me something really vital about produce (I remember that much) like an allergy or very strong preference for onions. I couldn't remember what it was, exactly, so I decided that you must have had the onion thing and I put a five-pound bag in our cart. I'm amazed that you didn't see it before we got home, frankly. It's five pounds of Valencias, which were the best kind based on thier high price.

The bag of onions was a token of my esteem, and the fact that they make you queasy doesn't negate the spirit in which they were purchased. Frankly, I'm  the one who should be insulted. So...Ok, yes, I guess it was a bad day. Is that what you needed? Yeah, it was a bad day. I have a lot on my mind- I have to learn how to knit before I go to sleep again.