Ronnie's Recipes: Meal Ideas for the End Times!
Hey everyone!!! I'm so glad to be back on the blog, now that there's power and internet and less fire. For the moment. I mean who could have foreseen this amount of disruption in the day-to-day, right?? Not me and not Jamie, that's for sure! Once we were able to get away from the gangs of kidnappers that are taking just anybody off the street now- I argued that all of our family's wealth had been tied up in MyPillow options, and once that company fell we were as poor as alley cats: not much return for the effort- long story short, once we were here and being quiet until the much-larger-than-normal cockroaches went to the other side of this bunker, we could finally take a breath.
Capitalism! Who knew it would be so... bad! And racism. And sexism, and transphobia and sexism...I'm sure I'm missing some groups in here, so please forgive me; I can't go look them all up right now because I have approximately 26 minutes until the next wave hits the outside of the concrete that protects us. Yeah, I know: you're thinking Ronnie, what are you doing so close to the water's edge in the middle of a hurricane? Assuming you're somewhere high, like a hill or a rooftop somewhere. (Shout out to the rooftop people!Woop woop! [Seriously, stay strong. I'm cautiously optimistic that there will be helicopters full of medics along in mere minutes.])... Anyhoo, the waves disrupt our bandwidth and also make this place shake, so we have to take a break for waves and position for waves and then recover and put bandages on whatever is bleeding; then twenty-six more minutes, provided our old-timey external router isn't broken. Yeah, we're using dinosaur technology down here (eyeroll!)
And that circles me back to this post. Our food stores down here are, to put it mildly, lame. There are cans of things that we've never heard of before, like "buckthorn powder" and "chalk color #5" and "dried nugget." Not nuggets, nugget. (I don't get it!!) So I had to think: Ronnie, what's left of the broken, raging Nature we live in that's still biologically healthy? That is available to us and also to the people huddled outside in barrels, hoping against hope that the water won't get in and pickle them (we tried to get a few to come in with us when we got here and our key worked, but all eleven of them said no when the saw the roaches: fair.) That's not experienced any climate warming related food-chain disruption? That are clean or at least clean-ish?
I'll be honest, it took me a second but I finally realized that since this is clearly the End Times, we- humanity, all of us- will have to start eating people. Eww, right?! But the beauty of embracing that means that we can do some MENU PLANNING!!! We haven't done that in a looong while and I've really missed it. I hope you have too, because I think once you just succumb to the need for this to happen, once you admit that, really, they deserve this so much more than all those cows with their big eyes did, you'll feel so so much better. I'm too hungry to listen to dissenting opinion about the descent into anarchy and barbarsim; I mean, I'm a pretty open-minded person, but right now if you're in the "It's Not A Great Idea to Eat People" camp then we'll have to agree to disagree!!
But don't worry my friends, I haven't gone totally off the rails here. My plan involves some natural culling, that's all. We've let these particular populations expand for too long, with their tax shelters and their private planes- they've grown complacent and overabundant. There are too many of them and we need to eat- and that, my little chefs of the apocalypse, is why I've sat down here with some information that will make these menus really pop. I did the research, found out what many billionaire's diets are (or, in the case of the deseached Koch brother, were) and created recipes using tips from this Cold War bunker cookbook and many very dark places on the Web. I don't recommend those! But they were necessary and clarifying, like a colonoscopy from back when there was any kind of health care system (any followers that never had a colonoscopy: don't worry, you didn't miss anything! Besides a means of detecting colon cancer, I mean.)
The trick was to find out what particular billionaires' diets were like and plan that menu around the strange, rococo flavors that said rich people's diets would impart on their meat. This meant combing through the lists, billionaire by billionaire, to sort out the juicy ones from the stew-meat ones. Now, on the surface that seems too easy: Just carve Warren Buffet and put Bezos in the mincer and go outside to call the kids in! (Jamie's telling me to remind you all not to go outside because of the radioactive waste slurry that's oozing it's way down the Rockies at the moment. Thanks, Jamie! {kiss face emoji.}) But I wanted to really explore the soon-to-be-eaten billionaires' "taste makeup" so that I could create the perfect Last Meal for the rest of us.
Without further ado, here is a list of individual super-rich people who are currently still alive (again with the exception of one Koch brother,) though how and when they will be available for "transformation" is anyone's guess. I don't have any inside information on these wealthy douche's whereabouts other than certain drive-by schedules and the location of particular helicopter pads. I'm certainly not suggesting that hungry, rage-choked throngs of not-wealthy people show up at any mountain compounds to rip down the electrified fences. I'm not. I'll say this, though: I have explosives. ) ((I know, right??))
And after that little tidbit, let's get to the recipes!!
BEZOS CASSOULET
Jeff Bezos is, naturally, ANY good chef's go-to choice for stew meat: he's too old to carve, and famously lean after years of free-range resource hoarding and lifting furniture made out of Oak from woodland that used to be thousands of years old. Or something else: I don't really know how Bezos got so "jacked", as they used to call it, but I'm sure it involved hiring squads of personal trainers that he'd require wear diapers so they didn't have to use one of his many diamonte-laquered bathrooms right when he wanted someone to count his push-ups. Funny to think of how we're all jacked now, right??? I mean, with all the running from the floodwaters caused by the environmental destruction and whatevs, and the upper body strength from dragging casualties to some kind of half-assed shelter before running on because oh god more fire, I have never been more fit (humble-brag!) Jamie had wicked ab definition before his body started to digest it's own muscles for the protein (I get it, Jamie's survival mechanisms- I'm hungry too!!) Which brings me right back to the Bezos Cassoulet. It'll be hard to run the bastard down, sure, but I think it'll be worth it...just remember to invite me to the feast once you take him down!!!! (NOTE: please don't really invite me. Jamie is too weak to move, and plus there's no way of really knowing where you'd be or how you'd be doing after the week-long ultramarathon of tracking the Bezos through the Valley or the Black Forest or wherever he'll ultimately be found, and I don't want anyone to feel obligated to wait politely when they land him. Just break open his chest and rip his heart out and eat it raw, like the distance-hunters you are. Please let me know if his heart was warm when you ate it or as cold as his behavior over his lifetime would indicate in the comments section, Thanks!!)
1 Jeff Bezos
300 lbs. non-radioactive beans: if they're fresh pick out the fingernails and loose teeth left in them by the laborers when you rinse; if they're canned save the bean water and put aside.
200 lbs (or closest approximation) "tomatoes." Or "Zucchini." or "Apples." Basically the trick here is to gather enough "ingredients" to cover Jeff when he's in the bathtub with all the beans. TIP: the most important part is to have the "ingredients" be food, or if that's not possible, just aim for "digestible."
20 lbs. grated ginger
15 Cups fresh unsalted butter...KIDDING YOU GUYS! There's no more butter anywhere on Earth, which is OK, which doesn't bother me any more because who's got time to reminisce about buttered toast when we have to duck and cover for the next wave here, amiright?? (... Toast. Oh God. I just remembered toast.)
As much sweat from the backs of the Amazon warehouse workers as you need to cover the Bezos. This will both gently brine him AND make sure his soul never ascends to Nirvana
1 claw-foot bathtub ('NOTHER TIP: if you can't get a claw-foot bathtub you can use any ordinary hot tub or, in a pinch, a sauna with the door nailed shut. If you're on a billionaire's compound when you're cooking Bezos, check the servant's wings for these.)
*Put the Bezos in the container and cover with the beans.
* Shovel the "ingredients" on top. Leave the face and fingertips above if you can: based on the colors of his flesh as he's cooking, you'll get a decent idea of how much cooking time the Bezos still needs until he's as tender as he's ever going to get!
* Apply the heat. Remember: if you'll be setting fire to any surrounding structures to do this, make sure you build a fireproof platform right next to the fuel source so that you can watch the Cassoulet and also keep an eye out for roving militia who will want that Bezos for themselves. But you're not going to let that happen, are you? Of course you aren't!! You tracked the Bezos, you flushed it from it's posh bunker with calls of "I think I could use a long lunch break!" and "Hey, is this unceded Indigenous land?" until he came outside, and you lobbed rocks at his bald, mole-like head until he started running. Then you ran along, tracking him like a disgruntled, exhausted warehouse employee tracks an order of multicolored flip-flops twenty minutes before quitting time (RESPECT,) and then you felled him with the spear you fashioned out of one of the Bezos' very own fence posts, once it stopped electrocuting you. No stupid group of pasty-faced mean boys is going to keep you from enjoying that meal, or from gaining the dark power of the Bezos that resides within it. Right? Right.
*While the Bezos is cooking, ferment the bean water into...whatever. Let it go long enough and anything will become alcohol! To cut the taste of radioactivity sprinkle the ground ginger in half-way through the fermenting process. Lack of morbidity from drinking means it's done!
*When the Bezos' face and fingertips are a dark reddish-brown, it's time to eat!!!
BUFFET BUFFET
Warren Buffet is famous for his terrible diet. The financier once explained that he based his daily food intake on the what the average six-year-old would eat, because they have the lowest mortality rate in the world, according to the statistical averages. So, the Buffet would eat ice cream for breakfast and drink liters of Coke during his day. How that asshole remained alive for as long as he did is beyond the scope of this simple blog, but now that everyday life is basically eternal Hellfire it won't be for long!! The good news in this section is twofold: one, his terrible diet will have lead to some very juicy, marbled haunches, which will offset the age-related stringiness; two, he won't be able to run. The Buffet will have to hide, so your hunt is a matter of slow and meticulous combing of his previous haunts until you flush his from his "modest second vacation home." (and WOW, just writing the phrase "modest second vacation home" gave me a case of cognitive dissidence, you know? In ordinary times I would have to lie down or watch a Youtube tutorial until it passed!)
*First: build a table out of whatever is handy. Make sure it's big enough for many platters of richly-veined steak and braised ribs and fried sweetmeats...oh boy, I'm getting hungry just writing this...
* Skewer the Buffet from heel to head and prop the capitalists' carcass in the bonfire your group has started- remember to allow for some turning of the Buffet, meaning don't put it so fully into the fire that he falls off the skewer and all you end up doing is sending his spirit to Asgard!
*You'll know when the Buffet is done. You'll just...know.
* Take the Buffet down and allow to cool. Use pointed sticks to keep your understandably ravenous group from jumping on it while it reaches a temperature that won't injure them. They'll thank you later {kiss face emoji!}
* Slice the Buffet into steaks/rib portions/chunks for the kiddos. Personal fave: kidney-sticks!! And don't forget the catsup, of which there will be an ample supply in the bolt-hole where you trapped your quarry (see above paragraph re: diet of a six-year-old.) Bon appetit!
KOCH SURPRISE
I couldn't leave this post without planning for ONE dessert- and this is a two-in-one! It's a tip-of-the-hat to the classic Baked Alaska, but much much more morally bankrupt. This recipe was harder to research- no one talked about what either of the Koch brothers ate very much. I had to do a general "billionaires eat what?" search and come up with a pudding that took into account the rare fruits, exorbitantly expensive supplements, and cuts of endangered species that most billionaires ingest. The hardest part of the recipe will be digging up David...sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself!!
* One Koch brother (Charles.)
* Twenty pounds of demerara sugar. You can also use, in any combination: table sugar, agave, coal dust, maple syrup, moonshine, blackstrap molasses, chalk powder, honey (raw or strained,) cyanide, rust chips, and antifreeze. Please don't let any pets near this while you're mixing it!! The various ingredients are hazardous to animals and we want as many as possible to be healthy when they go feral and spawn Nature's next generation of Superspecies. (Fingers crossed, right?)
* Enough liquid to cover your recently-departed Koch brother to two-thirds of the superyacht's guest bathroom with a chair against the door so that it doesn't spill out. If you find your Koch brother in a non-yacht situation, simply use whatever will hold all the sugar along with the ultra-Conservative Influencer's body. the aforementioned bathtub is always popular, but for my money I'd want to drain a few 55-gallon-drums of crude and cut them into troughs. That grade steel conducts heat beautifully- plus it's so right that this particular person would be simmered for eight hours in the very thing that made him his money and us so miserable. I don't know what poetic justice is but I know what I like!!
* Cinnamon (to taste.)
* The exhumed and cleaned bones of David Koch. This sounds difficult I know, but it will be a-m-a-z-i-n-g when it's properly dug up and used in this dessert. You'll want to stir the vat of Charles with the bones of David to concentrate the flavors/magic, but don't feel tied to doing only that!! Feel free during the simmering to put the bones on the floor in any pattern and dance around them. You can chant or sing or whisper, but one thing that has to happen is the summoning of the spirits or the Koch Surprise won't rise (I mean literally, folks. Although there will be rising Koch spirit, too- that's the surprise!!!) The longer you do this the stronger the raised spirit of the Kochs will be in your command. Plus the cinnamon gets a chance to really bind with Charles: YUM.
* Once the stirring has been completed and the chanting has brought the Force, get clear of the yacht and hurl Molotov cocktails (or whatever incendiary device you can find.) Once it's engulfed in flames, you can take a break with your group and enjoy the show. After precisely twenty-five minutes, some brave volunteers will have to row out to the ship in a dingy that's been covered in Asbestos tiles and get a rope on it, then row it to shore (make sure you have bandages for your crew members, and of course they should get the first spoonful of the Koch Surprise, provided they are able to swallow and/or breathe.)
* Optional: sing dirges while the yacht's being pulled in. Sets the mood.
* After the ship has burned to it's pith, leaving nothing but the magicked treat inside it's impervious shell, use a tire iron to bash open the door. The pudding shouldn't be runny: the fire is supposed to evaporate the liquid and crystallize the sugar/poison mixture so that each person in your group will be able to hack off a piece of dessert. Bonus: Each person who eats some Koch Surprise will gain the terrifying powers of the Conservative duo, which can be used for either good or evil. Take your new tribe and go forth, readers!!
****Well, that's it from me for this post my friends!! I really really hope that you're staying as safe as this global nightmare will allow. If you have any tips for where to score ingredients- flashlights, candle wax, absinthe, clean cotton swatches, corrugated tin, freeze-dried grubs, Astroglide, oregano, syringe casings, and of course duct tape- leave your source and your approximate location in the comments section so that other followers can maybe find you (Ronnie Recipes fans represent!!) Remember, folks: we're only going to get through this if we take care of each other first. Don't let any old white man tell you that your life is meant to be spent slaving for his shareholder's criminally high level of comfort. You're here to give and receive love, period. To do that we need to hold each other, and any remaining critters we can find, above any other economic construct (and yeah, I remember how cool the iPhone 11 was you guys! That doesn't negate the point.)
WOW!!!!! I didn't expect the waterworks, everybody; I mean the tears and also the mini-Tsunami that just carried off the clan of super-large cockroaches from our fortress here. On the one hand that means the next one could easily carry Jamie and me off to sea; on the other, no more cockroaches!! One more thing before I sign off: the ghoul-power released by the Koch Surprise could be really powerful, you guys. So it's on all of us to resist the darkness of its toxic industrialist pull. If you're out there starting a new empire by hoarding some resource and then forcing your besties into wage-slave jobs, the rest of us will be coming for you.
Only this time, we'll have spears.
Looooove and happy eating!!
Ronnie
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