Party at My House!

The movers are coming in six days. They come for our stuff, which I think of as my stuff for practical purposes. It is mine; it is all in my control; I am fully responsible for it. Also, it is terrifying. I have moved to well into the point that some dude on cracked.com smarmily pointed out for me and for anyone like me: it's just a mind-boggling array of shit, and I will be happy- kicking my heels together, frozen-in-time-with-a-rictus-of-joy-on-my-face-just-like-in-that-Toyota-commercial-of-old happy- to let total strangers take my things away from me. As long as I can't see it five minutes after they've left, and provided they don't set fire to anything (anything other than my own stuff, I mean) they can ha-ha-have it.

People have been very kind- in-laws, blood relations, people I only see every three years, weirdos that I know only peripherally, friends- and they took my bait. I sent out an evite a few weeks back inviting folks to come over and help me sort through my precious old bar coasters and Alan wrenches to furniture that I never had, and they did. On time and everything. I opened the door to each of them, mouth already working except that no sound was coming out, desperately trying not to appear desperate, which I now believe cannot be done unless you are Helen Mirren. Not that I'm comparing myself to HM, because that would be pure rot. Pure, distracting rot. So once the person came in and I, ever the thoughtful host, forgot to offer them a glass of friggin' water, fer chrissake, I would say something like this:

ME: So, you guys, I think that I'm not Helen Mirren. I mean, I know I'm not Helen Mirren, I'm not fooling myself, because she was so good in The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover- that was the first Mirren movie I ever saw. But I think I must have seen more before that, you know? I mean, were the type of geeky family that would watch Masterpiece Theater re-runs, and that was in the 80's when she was becoming Mirren. So I must have seen her before CTW&L, and that's why the line "Try the cock- at least you know where it's been" resonated with me so much...

FRIEND: Jenn, these are my kids. They are five and three-and-a-half.

ME: Are you telling me that they've seen a Helen Mirren movie? It must have been The Queen, because she's so damn good, and it's a great HM primer. Bit much for the kiddos, in my opinion, but what do I know? One could argue that there is no time that is too young for watching-

FRIEND: So, hey, what do you need us to do? Kids, why don't you go downstairs and play with the cat-

ME: Be careful, love bugs, she's a biter!

FRIEND: -or why don't I go down with them, because you have stuff there too, right? That needs to be packed, right? Jenn?

ME: ...Oh, right right! But it's not packing, 'cause the people are doing that, they pack it up for us, which is amazing, so I just need sorting, and I can't be in every room at once, so why don't you just get started on the DVDs? There are the obvious ones, like The Wiggles Christmas- hey, why don't you take that with you home with you, because you have children and you own a DVD player I'm sure, so there you go, I'll just bop downstairs and get it and make sure I put it in your purse-

FRIEND: - WHAT ELSE CAN I DO? There must be something else, honey, I can see a giant pile of coats and t-shirts and what appears to be wet towels over there in the corner. I could just throw that in the washer, or did you want that all folded? I could put it in separate piles, towels coats t-shirts- would that be ok?

ME: That would be great! I think that would be great, what a big help you are! I think that pile is my daughter's safety place, though- she might be buried under there, I haven't seen her in a while. So, again, be careful about the biting. Oh and hey! I just remembered I also have Ice Age 14: Trouble Tectonically (Again) downstairs too, so I'll just put that in your purse with the Wiggles and these clearly used but unmarked VHS tapes! Brilliant!

FRIEND: I am considering leaving now.

ME: Great, because we haven't done a donation run yet, and you could run it for me, and I could just weed out those dozen or so movies that the kids are really going to love- you've already got them watching R movies- it's really too much for them, sweetheart, you know that developmentally they aren't really ready to recognize great acting yet, which is something I know from this book right here, which I will put over by your purse with the box full of the DVDs! I was going to say that it's a different direction, to be sure, but maybe your children will like Fight Club, because I have two copies-

FRIEND: I was told there would be beer.

So the next few hours were torture for all of us, but no more so than for people who aren't me. I blathered like that for hours- I blathered well after everyone was gone, sick to their stomachs to see another human being reduced to such collateral idiocy. So, now, there are lists per room. The lists in themselves are terrifying; they are no more specific than my ranting about cookie cutters and taxation and paper cuts. An example:

Living Room

* Get bowls to put plates in/move- see studio; Antoine?
* Gouges
* S & D 1 truck stockade lamplamp; S & D 2 same
* CARD TABLE!!!!!!
* Neighborhood Assoc. needs paper jambos, must put jambos on curb second Tues but not with recycling so ask racist lady two buildings down schedule for jambos
* Def. move cabinet (**cat in there**)
* Sell cat
* Girl to dentist wed with goo snacks absent (she will know!!)
* fish fixtures frustrating: farm factory Ferarra @ Fulton (Thurs?)

Right now I'm wondering if I'll remember what each line means in one years' time. Could be fun to find out. Have to put "list packing" on the list, but for which room?