Stupid Questions

One of the things that the UK wants to know is if I'm a terrorist. It seems worried, because it asks repeatedly. It uses almost identical language every time:

 Are you now or have you ever held beliefs that were in support of any actions that have led or might lead to acts of terror perpetrated upon the people or peoples of the UK?... Have you now or did you ever in the past or do you think you might some day in the unknowable future collect materials that could actively or subliminally sway a young and/or stupid person to perpetrate violence or concoct violent plots against a person or the peoples of the UK?... Will you now or might you ever or did you ever or do you think you might if you had a time-bending machine ("TARDIS") think about one day becoming/became/will become violences that might/did/may one day hurt or irritate or generally inconvenience a person or people of the UK?...How about now?

The questions seemed written expressly to fail at what they intend to do. I now believe that these inane, counterintuitively overt questions about the applicants' ideological leanings are designed to be such a barrage of ridiculousness that the terrorist-to-be will simply laugh themselves into answering one of them honestly, as a joke.

Terrorist: Ha ha ha ha ha- ah ha ha ha ha! Woo! Uh huh huh ha ha! Boy these questions are idiotic! I'll just put down "yes" right here, just to make it interesting for them! Morons!

If you see it that way, you understand that the second- the very second- the Terrorist answers affirmatively, National Security, Scotland Yard, The Queen's Guard, Agatha Christie and Lord Peter Whimsey will show up, taking the room from every possible direction, bursting through walls and windows and ceiling (except Agatha and Lord Peter, who will come in through the door,) grab the Terrorist and begin beating them gently about the head and neck in a very civilized way. Then there will be reading of rights- every right that was ever written down, from the defendant's rights as stated by the Vikings (consisting entirely of hitting on the head until the defendant no longer feels like protesting, or is dead) to current Alabama State law (wherein the defendant is asked about their local lineage and the answers duly recorded until one of two things happens: the defendant runs away and dives into the municipally-maintained gator pool, or everyone waits for the lawyer, who brings a pitcher full of whiskey lemonade so that they can whet their whistles.)

And Then: the Justice. Slow, slow justice- but justice nonetheless. Right?

It brings to mind other stupid questions of the bureaucracy. The multiple-choice questions on any Driver's Tests, like whether or not you should stop when you drive up to a stop sign at a four-way stop signed intersection? There are the questions at a doctor's office, asked by both the nurse who brings you to the real Waiting Room (only after you've passed the Waiting-Room test in the novice's Waiting-Room Facade out front,) about swelling and fever and vague feelings of unease when you're there with a kitchen knife buried in your ankle. (For the record, I loves me some doctors and nurses. Some of my best friends are health care professionals.) There are sheets you must sign and send back to your child's school IMMEDIATELY, stating that you received the sheet you just signed. The Chicago Public School system is masterly at sending papers home that you must sign and return so that the system has it on record that you received the paper you just signed... it's as if there's a secret society of public school administrators who've made a sacred vow to collect those piles of dead tree shavings so that they have some of every one's DNA on file (the blood from your pen-bruised writing fingers puts it there)...just in case.

Answering these queries- these stupid, stupid queries- has also brought to mind some questions that I really should be answering.

Are you sure you want to do this?

Does anyone really care if you look your age?

What constitutes "clean", anyway? (Please answer individually: laundry; carpet; family silver; hair.)

Do you now, or have you ever, used Ignoring Things as a viable life action?

Multiple Choice: what is Love? A. the power  that fuels all things good in the world, B. A warm blankie and a chilly dessert, C. The terrible propaganda that the infidels spread to lull the believers into a false sense of possibility, D. Love is the Universe, and the Universe is Love, E....Puppies! Gandhi! The opiate of the masses! PASS! NEXT QUESTION!

Are you sure you want to do this?

And, finally: Hey terrorist! I really think you'd like the show Dr. Who. Have you ever seen it?

...sorry, that last one snuck in there; it's from the UK's Visa application. Or it should be.