Side Effects

So this UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disorder) is not yet a full diagnosis. No, I go back in March for more bloodwork and then, possibly, a New Drug. (In my head I hear "A New Drug! A New Drug!" in the voices of Carol Cleaveland and the rest of the women in "MP and the Holy Grail. There is jumping and clapping. You've seen it, right? If you haven't seen it, I, as the person whose blog you're reading just now, command you to see it. Then for the rest of your life you can imagine that scene, only with new lines. Instead of "A Spanking! A Spanking!" you can insert words that are relevant to your life, such as "Poo on the floor! Poo on the floor!" or "Some Oreos! Some Oreos!" Don't forget to picture them jumping and clapping. It will make the banal seem delightful, I swear.)

Anyway...new drug. Plaquenil, pronounced PLAK-in-il should you ever wish to ask for it by name. It's an old anit-malarial drug, apparently, and is used for immune system disorders, apparently. I haven't delved too deeply into the side effects yet, because I've learned this about side effects: they don't make any sense. I don' t mean they don't make sense that you have them, I mean that the people who are in charge of writing about them are acutely aware that their work will be shrunken down to cookie fortune sizes so that it'll become unreadable. Also they know that no one will read them. So they take the actual, measurable side effects that happen and translate them into their bored medi-speak.

Actual Side Effect: Will turn patient into hallucinogen-producing toad.

Side Effect As Written: Mild queasiness may occur. Take pill with milk.

Actual Side Effect:  Will pop out of bottle after midnight and steal all of patient's oranges.

Side Effect as Written:  Possible rash may develop- stay out of direct sunlight.

Actual Side Effect:  Will produce substantial brain wave activity, esp. in prefrontal cortex, thus rendering the patient able to single-handedly run the country. Effect is strongest when taken with close friends, who will become members of the cabinet.

Side Effect As Written: Patient may experience sleepiness. You shouldn't operate the government heavy machinery until you are aware of how you will respond to medications.

...What does interest me, however, is some man's story: among the lamentable list of numb limbs and month-long fevers and episodes where people woke up on the kitchen floor, ten hours after taking the medication- among all that this man lists his miracles. They're doozies. First nothing happened; then there was tingling in the extremities that was constant for two months, along with flashes of brilliance; then there was a spate of spontaneous racing, the gentleman joining any 5 or 10-k race that he happened to pass by; then re-growth of hair that was flowing and gently wavy and so thick that he had to buy a whole different set of combs; ditto eyelashes; then a loss of desire to issue recriminations to anyone at all; then attainment of the true enlightenment; then his fallen arches rose.

His story interested me so much that I stopped reading anything else. I just don't want to know, frankly. If I do end up on Plaquenil it will take months to tell if it's working, which is just shitty but how the game goes. I'll be able to pull it off, get through the achiness and shaking hands and monitoring because I believe, with some of my heart, that in six months I'll have written quite a few novels and will have long, wavy auburn hair. My hair is not normally auburn (or rather not without chemical assistance,) but that doesn't matter because if it happened for this one guy then it must also happen for me.